What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.