My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
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I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
car not found
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are