Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
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Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers