*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
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Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.