Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
You Might Also Like
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Science memes
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.