[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
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*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry