I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
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I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Awwwww shit.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Mistakes were made
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Mice are just frozen Mwater.