ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
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I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
when u come home smelling like another dog
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Not messing around
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
what’s the point then??
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila