I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
You Might Also Like
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
There are no pants in heaven.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant