“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
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My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden