Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now