I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
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A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.