I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
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amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
You say youâre a stoner?
Name every stone then
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Needless to sayâŚ*
*mic drop
My son just said, âPeace on Earth, goodwill to men,â and shot me in the face with a Nerfâ˘ď¸ gun.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Pharmaceutical ads really be like âHEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc theyâre probably so DUMB they havenât even THOUGHT of it YETâ
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Stooooppp!!! đđ
Mommy’s little speed bumps đŹ
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I⌠(trying to impress her) âŚam a criminal
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
đđŻ
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an âessential workerâ but it might be âdifficult for the bunny to get everywhereâ in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Broom by every window for quick escape.
iâm sorry i didnât text you back iâm really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now weâre both sitting in the playpen crying
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.