Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
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Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
selena gomez
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”