God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead