when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
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*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like