Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
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Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink