If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
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I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.