*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
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mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
This anagram machine is out of order.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.