Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
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In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
When your best mate counts as a desk too
New Tinder profile.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”