Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
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Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*