now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
You Might Also Like
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.