I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
You Might Also Like
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]