Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
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Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.