Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
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Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef