Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
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I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
ugh not again
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”