Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
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[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
me 2 months after i graduated
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?