You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
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[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Huge, if true.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”