receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
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I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
🍞🦆
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal