Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
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Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.