FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
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Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Shower sex be like:
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.