You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
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How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?