Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
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“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.