Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Had an epiphany today.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.