Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
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*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.