Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”