[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
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No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.