ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
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Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”