Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
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Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!