Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
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Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I bet birds love this building.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.