Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
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Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.