the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
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Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.