I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
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i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
then why did i get this email
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.