Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
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the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
choose your fighter
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”