Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
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Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I only look at Wordle for the articles
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house