I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
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I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.