*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
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A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
congratulations to them