When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
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Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool