if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
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Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
the three branches of government
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding