A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
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before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7